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My Spiritual Journey

October 15, 2017

 

Everyone has a different journey & story to finding the path to their spirituality, if they happen to take that path that is. That's what makes spirituality special. We all enjoy the same thing but have our own personal perspective and experience. I'm here to share my spiritual story with you so we can go on this journey together.

 

I was raised Catholic like most kids I knew growing up. My parents made me go to church every Sunday as a little girl and I even went to a Catholic school from 3rd grade until 8th. Though the Bible can be hard to interpret & understand as a child, I really enjoyed hearing the stories about Jesus and Mary, and especially about Moses, thanks to the 1956 Ten Commandments movie. (I look forward to watching it every year.) As an adolescent, I always felt like God's presence was around me. I don’t know why, I just always felt a special connection with God or like I was protected by Him at all times. I would hope and pray that I could nonchalantly have conversations with Jesus and Mother Mary just like the three little kids saw Mother Mary in Fatima, Portugal. I even wanted to be a nun when I was little and admired my parent’s nun friends, but I knew with my love for boys that wouldn’t work out too well for me.

 

A “Christian” Retreat

It wasn’t until 2010, when I was in my early-mid 20's, that I went searching for help in a church and really needed God more than ever. I was in a relationship with a guy I loved very much but didn’t get the same love in return from him, because he didn’t want a commitment. At the time, I was too blind to see we were young and that he wanted to enjoy his prime. I didn't care how young we were because I knew he was who I wanted to be with, but I was selfish and couldn't let go. Of course, I eventually became tired of loving someone I could never fully be with. 

 

I prayed and prayed and decided to go to a “Non-Denominational” church that my friend introduced me to. It was the kind of big church you see on Saturday or Sunday mornings on t.v. where pastors touch people's heads and they fall back, and you can't help but giggle. 

 

Well, I cried hysterically when this man touched my forehead. No, I didn’t fall, because he barely touched me, but I felt like I was going to pass out. I was a hot mess, literally. My entire body got hot, I was shaking, and I could not stop crying. My friend was holding my hand and was confused by my uncontrollable episode of crying as was I! This was all new to me and I had never felt this feeling before. I had been to church many times, but this experience was on a completely different level.

 

I enjoyed the magical feeling I had received and was told by women there that I am gifted with the Holy Spirit inside of me and naturally I got sucked into wanting to know more. I was “hungry for God” as Christians like to call it. I decided to go on a weekend retreat with my friend at this church. They had women in one room instructed by female pastors and men in another room with male pastors. I cried and cried again, releasing the hurt and pain I had been through. I felt guidance and support from the women there but then something struck a nerve for me. Suddenly, a pastor tells us to let go of all evil and sin and she followed it by saying to "let go of lesbian acts, and repent for any homosexual acts you may have done!"​​

 

I sat there, paused, looked around the room and saw this woman across the room whom I had just met that day and knew she was a lesbian. I felt pain for her, pain that she had to listen to this hate in a time when she needed support the most. I couldn't do anything about it except not support that kind of church anymore. Unfortunately, I did end up going back a few times because I was desperate. However, after I quickly noticed they were trying to teach us to “speak in tongues” and shoving information down our throats, I had to stop attending, because that information was not very Christ-like.

 

Fast forward through trying a couple more brain washing churches later speaking against homosexuality, I eventually stopped going to Non Denominational churches. It pains me to have to say that because Christ has always been my God, and still is, and I loved being part of a loving community sharing love for Christ and feeling like I was getting stronger. Personally, I just can’t deal with the messages these pastors were sharing when they are supposed to share teachings of Jesus Christ; forgiveness and seeing the light and love in others no matter what. Instead they were judging homosexuals. 

 

Don't get me wrong, clearly NOT ALL churches are bad. A lot of the messages were really well said and touched my heart. I just could not go to a place that would say these things more than once when I have homosexual friends, and have love and support for them. I'm still a believer in Christ and He is my number one, but I don't feel like I need to go to church to have a better understanding of Him. That is unless I find one that I find perfect for my taste and has good service hours. Lord knows I am not an early bird.

 

Moving on...

About a year after I got married and reached my 30's, I found myself in an Eat, Pray, Love moment. I felt like I didn't like where my life was going and that I needed some soul searching fast. I stopped working to finish my AA, but because I had no job, I entered into a state of depression and anxiety. I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I stopped doing the things I loved and I couldn't remember who I used to be anymore or what I even loved doing. I did complete my AA in Sociology & Liberal Arts, but it wasn't enough for me.

 

I began searching for retreats to help find myself and my life purpose. I went to one in April of 2016 and loved it. I learned more about spirituality, meditating, letting go, how to be stronger in tough times, loving myself, self awareness, shadow work, etc. It was a spiritual awakening to say the least, and I loved every bit of it, no matter how much I had to cry to let out the ugly that was trapped inside of me. I left feeling rejuvenated and since then I knew my purpose was to help others, spread love, self awareness, teach what I was taught and what is already inside of us. That is one of the big reasons why I started this blog. Spirituality has always been a huge part of my life and I know not everyone is into that so I don't want to shove religion down anyone's throats. I want to help people in a spiritual way because there is SO much more than just going to church and reciting prayers over and over. God is in all of us. We are spirit and divine. We just have to see it for ourselves by opening our hearts and minds to it. God bless. Namaste.

 

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